


and i wondered if i could come home

by strawberry_sky



Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, on GOD we gon GET moonshine a happy ending!!!!!!, this is so fucking cheesy and i have no regrets, wild concept: TALKING about FEELINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22904821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_sky/pseuds/strawberry_sky
Summary: The battle is won. Thiala is dead. Bahumia is saved.Moonshine leaves. Quietly. Without saying goodbye.And Hardwon follows.(spoilers for episode 91)
Relationships: Moonshine Cybin & Happiness, Moonshine Cybin & Hardwon Surefoot, Moonshine Cybin & Hardwon Surefoot & Beverly Toegold V, Moonshine Cybin/Hardwon Surefoot
Comments: 24
Kudos: 107





	and i wondered if i could come home

The night after they win is the biggest party Hardwon’s ever been to. 

There’s Crick water and Dwarven liquor and Hillhome ale and all the wine in Gladeholm and a bunch of fucked up drugs that Alanis got from _somewhere_ , which is pretty mysterious considering that she’s been trapped in a gem for a month and a half but no one is questioning it. Thiala is dead, the Chosen are all either dead or have thoroughly surrendered. Losses were heavy, but the people Hardwon cares about most are all still here. They will rebuild. They will _rebuild_.

But...tomorrow. Tonight they’re celebrating. Tonight they’re holding each other and crying and singing at the top of their lungs because they’re _alive_ . They’re alive and the world is still here and the apocalypse is _over_. 

Hardwon’s even more fucked up than he intended to be, partly because he hasn’t totally recovered from the day’s battle yet, partly because some sequence of events that he doesn’t quite remember led to himself, Ulfgar, and Jaina face to face across a table with a full keg of ale in front of each of them and a hundred dwarves chanting “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”

Hardwon’s pretty sure he did _not_ come out on top in that one. 

He stumbles out of the big group of dwarves, wipes the sweat off his brow, looks around. The party’s in the woods just outside of Gladeholm, and everywhere are bonfires and tables covered in whatever food people could pull together or conjure up and people in small groups or pairs, holding each other. Absences are palpable: Hardwon’s mom and Queen Joyvre both already went back to their respective planes. Red and Gunther are gone, and so many others are gone with them. 

But Hardwon spots Lucanus and Jolene sitting at the foot of a tree, sharing a bottle of wine. He sees Ol’ Cobb grinning, surrounded by a group of people who are doubled over in laughter. He sees Tonathan and Erdan having some sort of spirited academic discussion. He sees Balnor, Bud Heavy in hand, talking to Mavrus and Apple Scrumper. And then-- _there_ they are, Bev and Moonshine, Bev sitting cross-legged next to Erlin and Cran and Durlin, Moonshine standing behind Bev. As Hardwon watches, she kisses the top of the halfling boy’s head, and then looks over and makes eye contact with Hardwon. He grins, and starts to make his way toward her.

She meets him halfway and he almost crashes right into her. 

“Whoa, Hardwon,” she laughs, putting her hands on his forearms. “You good?” 

“I’m _so_ good,” says Hardwon, letting himself be steadied. “We _did_ it, Moonshine. We did it!” 

“We sure did,” she says softly. The firelight is flickering on her face, casting her freckled skin in shades of reds and oranges. She looks sad, for some reason. She shouldn’t be sad. She shouldn’t, but he gets it. 

He threads a hand behind her head, presses their foreheads together. They’re here. They’re _here_ . His hand is tangled in her hair and she smells earthy and fresh and _real_ , like the forest after a rainstorm. “It’s over,” he says. “We hit the end of the world, and we’re still here.” 

She chokes out a sob, brings her hand up behind his head and puts her other hand on his shoulder, and he’s steadying her, now, as his other arm wraps around her waist. “You’re gonna be okay, Hardwon,” she says. “You’re gonna be prince of Frostwind, you’re gonna help rebuild Irondeep, you’re gonna be _okay_ , you hear me?” 

“‘Course we’re gonna be okay,” Hardwon murmurs. “We always are.” She’s warm in his arms, the nearby fire is warm, the night is warm, the alcohol in his blood is warm. 

“No, but, for _real_ this time.” Moonshine’s voice is shaking, quiet, and he can barely hear her even though they’re only inches apart. “You’re gonna be okay. And you’re gonna make sure Bev’s okay, too, you hear me? And the Crick. They love you, there, they’re gonna take you right in whenever you need them.”

Hardwon blinks, slowly. He can see tears shimmering in Moonshine’s dark eyes. “Moonshine, we _won_. What’s wrong?” 

Moonshine forces a smile. “Nothing. No, you’re right. We won! Nothing’s wrong.” 

Hardwon laughs sharply. “Bullshit.” 

For a second, Moonshine looks taken aback, and then her expression softens. “Yeah. It is.” 

Hardwon can feel her hot breath on his face, feel his hand moving in her hair, foreheads still pressed together, faces only inches apart, and for a second he thinks…he thinks…

She presses her lips against the skin of his cheek, right above his beard. “I love you, okay?” 

“I love you,” says Hardwon, from the depths of his chest, and for a second it looks like Moonshine is going to say something else, _do_ something else, but then she pulls away, and quicker than he would have thought possible, she disappears into the night. 

Hardwon tips his head back. First clear night in forty days. A million stars...all of them _spinning_.

He ducks behind a tree and throws up. 

When he comes back, he’s a little more clear-headed. He doesn’t really want to be at this party anymore. It’s been a long-ass day. He wants to find Moonshine, and Bev, and Balnor, and he wants to go back into Gladeholm and find one big bed and trance for at least twelve hours. And probably Moonshine’s thinking the same thing, that’s why she seemed upset. 

Right? Because…he’s thinking about what she was saying, actually _processing_ it this time, and…she was probably just tired. She was just tired. 

Alright, where is she? 

He scours the party with increasing concern, ignoring Jaina’s shouts for him to “get back in here!” and the fact that Ol’ Cobb now has his arm thrown around Balnor’s shoulders and both of them are singing "If I Filet Here" at the top of their lungs. Quickly, the drunkenness is being replaced with adrenaline, and his hand is resting on the hilt of his hammer. 

Hardwon pushes his way out of the party, into the darker woods surrounding them. “Moonshine!” he yells, cupping his hands around his mouth. “Moonshine!” 

The music and laughter and voices fade behind him as he walks, and Hardwon strains his ears for anything other than the snapping of twigs beneath his feet and the chirping of crickets. 

He’s just made the decision that he needs to head back to the party, find Bev, see if he can cast some sort of spell that will help them find Moonshine, when “Hey, Hardwon,” says a familiar voice. 

Hardwon whips around to see Alanis leaning against a tree, pipe held lightly in her hand. “You okay, buddy? Bad trip?” 

“I’m good,” says Hardwon. “You seen Moonshine?” 

Alanis furrows her brow. “No. But I haven’t really been at the party. We’re keeping an eye out.” She gestures at her side to a smaller figure that Hardwon hadn’t noticed at first: Egwene, mimicking Alanis’s posture, cigarette between her fingers and bow slung across her shoulder. 

“Keeping an eye out for what?” Hardwon asks. 

Alanis shrugs, casting a careful glance at Egwene, whose hood is up and whose eyes are still watchfully darting around the dark trees. “Just in case.” 

“Yeah,” says Hardwon, feeling the weight of the Kingshammer on his hip. “Just in case.” 

“We haven’t seen Moonshine, though,” says Egwene. “Do you think...do you think she’s okay? Not that I’m worried, or whatever.” 

“Lemme see if I can find her,” says Alanis. She sticks her pipe between her teeth and holds out her hands, palms down, eyes closed as she concentrates on a spell. After a moment, her brow furrows. “Huh. That’s weird. Somebody _Planeshifted_ out of here, like, ten minutes ago. Pretty sure Moonshine’s one of the only people who can do that.” 

“ _Planeshift_?” says Hardwon. “Where’s she going?” 

Alanis frowns, concentrating, and then her eyes snap open and she stares directly at Hardwon. “Fuck. She went to the Hells.” 

“Oh, god _damn_ it,” Hardwon says through gritted teeth. 

“What? Why?” Egwene is staring back and forth between Alanis and Hardwon, bow in hand now. “Why would she go to the Hells?” 

“Fucking shit, she was so _set_ on taking that stupid crown,” says Alanis, pacing now. “With the Jubilex and Thiala and everything I totally forgot we never dealt with that.” 

“It’s my fault,” Hardwon growls. “I _knew_ she was upset about something and I didn’t fucking _ask_.” 

He stands there for a second, feeling everything from the past month clicking into place. Her fight with PawPaw, her unexplained absences, her sorrowful mood, her refusal to make plans for anything beyond the fight with Thiala. He’d chalked it all up to the hours she’d been spending in the library, or the stress of the _literal Apocalypse_. He hadn’t _pushed_ when he’d needed to. Hadn’t done for her what she always did for him. 

Alanis is muttering quietly. “It should be me, this is all my fault, but my Wisdom score is shit and then we’d just have an evil wizard running around and that does no good to anyone--” 

Hardwon can hear the distant noises of people celebrating a peace that wouldn’t exist without Moonshine. He can feel his own heart that would have been cold and deathless forever without her, beating in his chest. 

“I gotta get down there,” he says. 

Alanis stops pacing, looks at him, determination in her purple eyes. “Okay. Yeah. I’ve got _Planeshift_ stocked. Let’s go.” 

“Someone better fucking tell me what the fuck is going on,” says Egwene with all the ferocity of a teenager who’s being left out of something. “Is Moonshine okay?” 

“Physically, probably, emotionally, no, but who is?” Alanis says, shoving her pipe in her pocket and starting to go through the motions of casting the spell. 

“Go get Bev,” says Hardwon to Egwene. “Don’t _scare_ everyone, but get Bev.”

Something in his voice must tell Egwene this is serious, or maybe she’s just grown up a lot over the past few months, because she doesn’t even argue, just nods and takes off toward the party. Alanis reaches out and grabs Hardwon’s shoulder, there’s a flash of light and the funny feeling in his stomach that always comes with interplanar travel, and then they’re standing in the middle of a familiar wasteland. Hardwon can hear the screaming engines and battle cries of the eternal Demolition Derby in the distance, but in front of them are two enormous obsidian doors. The same doors that had led to the throne room on the Ninth Level of Hell. 

Next to him, Alanis lets out a long sigh. “ _Really_ hoped I’d never have to be back here. Twice was...more than enough.” 

“Yeah,” says Hardwon quietly, staring at the big doors, mind flashing through images: all the undead gods, Alanis with her crazy force field, himself cutting through wizards while back-to-back with Balnor, Akarot throwing fucked-up killing spells at Bev, Moonshine sprinting across the battlefield and bending the earth and keeping them all alive. “Yeah, this place sucks.” 

“Want me to come in, or you wanna talk to her by yourself?” Alanis asks. 

Hardwon glances over at her, surprised. Her hands are in the pockets of her coat, and she’s watching him out of the corner of her eye. 

“You know her best,” she says. “I’ve kinda got an idea of where her head is at, but she’s not gonna want to leave.” 

“Yeah, I know,” says Hardwon. He stares up at the doors again. “I don’t...I don’t know what I’m gonna say to her.” 

“Just say what you mean,” says Alanis. “Even though none of us are good at that.” She smiles, slightly, and pulls her pipe out of her pocket.

“Thanks,” says Hardwon. “For...thanks.” 

Alanis just nods, lighting her pipe with a flame from her fingertip. “Just talk to her. Before it’s too late.” 

Hardwon takes a deep breath and pushes open the doors.

And there she is. Sitting on the hideous, spiky throne, with that twisted crown on her head. Her skin seems paler, her eyes brighter, like there’s fire burning behind them. Fire behind her head, too, a blazing reflection of the cold white halo that had been behind Thiala’s head--had it only been _this morning_? 

She’s staring at him, lips slightly parted, anger and confusion and something like relief fighting on her face. He’s staring at her. For a moment, neither of them say anything.

“Oh, hey, Hardwon,” says Pendergreens, who’s sitting in a plush chair on the dais right next to the throne, a very small video game controller in his enormous hands. “How’s it goin?” 

“Hey, Pendergreens,” says Hardwon. “We killed god, but now I’m back in Hell, so you know, the usual.” 

“I hear that,” says Pendergreens.

“What are you doing here, Hardwon?” says Moonshine. She sounds so tired. 

Pendergreens looks between them, Hardwon still in the doorway with his fists clenched like this is a problem he can somehow fight his way out of, Moonshine sitting straight-backed on the throne with her jaw set. “Maybe I’ll just...see you guys in a minute.” 

He casts a quick glance over his shoulder at Moonshine. She nods, but keeps her eyes on Hardwon. Hardwon doesn’t take his eyes off her, either, as Pendergreens awkwardly folds up his chair and shuffles toward the door. 

As Pendergreens passes Hardwon in the doorway, he lays one large hand on his shoulder and squeezes slightly. “I tried to talk her out of it,” he murmurs. “She’s pretty set.” 

The door swings shut behind him with a boom that echoes through the entire chamber. 

“Come on, Hardwon, what are you _doing_ here?” Moonshine says again, with a little more emotion in her voice this time. Desperation, almost. 

“No, what are _you_ doing here?” says Hardwon hotly, taking a few steps forward so he closes the distance between them. “Moonshine, what are you _doing_?” 

“What I have to,” says Moonshine, her knuckles white on the arms of the chair. 

“You _don’t_ have to,” says Hardwon. “No one is making you do this.” 

“Who else is it gonna be?” 

“I really think Pendergreens was doing a great job.” 

“He shouldn’t _have_ to!” 

“Neither should you! This isn’t _fair_!”

Moonshine laughs, and the flames around the throne seem to laugh with her, licking around the edges of the chair. “‘Course it’s not fair, Hardwon! What part of this has been _fair_? It _has_ to be me,” she continues with the absolute confidence of someone who has spent a long time practicing this exact argument. “It has to be because I know I can do it. This is the only way I can know you’re all going to be _safe_ , you hear me? We can’t just close the Hells because it’ll throw off the balance of everything, _trust_ me, I had all those hours in the library, I _checked_. And we can’t destroy the crown. So someone has to wear it, and it has to be me.” 

Hardwon shakes his head and looks down at his feet. He kicks a broken chunk of flooring across the room. She’s right. Of course she’s right, she’s always right. 

“It isn’t _fair_ ,” he says again, like an angry kid. He’d dared to think that after Thiala was dead, they’d be okay. 

“I’m not leaving, Hardwon,” says Moonshine, gently but firmly. “It’s too late, okay? I’m sorry.” 

Staring into a life of loneliness and darkness, sacrificing herself for him and for Pendergreens and for everyone she can think of, and _she’s_ still apologizing to _him_. 

Hardwon lets out a long sigh and nods, slowly. He steps forward, closing the rest of the distance between them. Moonshine’s wearing that black velvet jumpsuit that she bought in Gladeholm. The tiny sparkles on it are reflecting the firelight, and between that and the crown and the clear power in her muscles and her stance and her voice...despite the situation, it’s quite the aesthetic. 

Hardwon sinks down to sit on the dais, right next to the foot of the throne, and pulls a flask of Crick water out of his pocket. “Can you still huff Crick water now that you’re the Queen of Hell?” 

Moonshine hesitates for a second, and then she sighs and relaxes her posture. “Yeah, give it here.” 

Hardwon passes over the flask, then rests his arms on his knees and finally looks around. Apparently, the throne room has just been transported to the middle of the first level, or the One Level, now. The walls have a semi-transparent quality to them, so he can see the miles and miles of wasteland, scorched earth broken up only by the occasional wrecked tank. He remembers how fucking _cool_ it had seemed when they were all blazing through the desert with motorcycles and their bus, tricking Josh and beating up Rust. But it doesn’t seem cool anymore. It just seems...empty. 

“Always assumed we’d retire to the Crick,” Hardwon says lightly. “But I guess this works too.” 

There’s a moment of pause. And then, “Absolutely not,” says Moonshine. 

“What, you think I’m just gonna leave you here, by _yourself_?” 

“I’ve got Pendergreens,” says Moonshine defensively. 

“Sure, you can just play video games for the rest of eternity.” Hardwon takes the flask as Moonshine hands it to him and settles back against the throne, a distinct announcement that he intends to stay put. 

“I’ll be _fine,_ Hardwon, you don’t have to do this.” Moonshine sounds angry, now, and the fire around the dais is starting to make crackling noises and get even hotter. “I’ve _got_ it.” 

“‘Course you do,” says Hardwon, absolutely sincerely. “Honestly if anyone else was wearing that thing they’d probably already be evil and we’d be getting ready to kill the ruler of Hell, _again_. You could be fine on your own.” 

“Right,” says Moonshine, quiet and stubborn. 

“But me?” Hardwon continues, lifting the flask of Crick water to his own nose. “Come on. I’d be a mess without you.” 

“No you wouldn’t!” says Moonshine. “You’ve got _so_ many people who love you, Hardwon. You’ve got so many things to do!” 

“And every day as I was doing them I’d be thinking about you and I’d feel like shit.” 

“You’d move on.” Her voice has gotten very small. “You’ve got a _place_ , now. You don’t _need_ me.” 

“I need you.” Hardwon turns around and puts his hand on Moonshine’s knee. There are tears shining in her eyes, and she looks so sad that it breaks his heart and makes him furious all at once and Hardwon drops every single wall he’s ever built. “Fuck, Moonshine, of _course_ I need you. And not, like, I need you to heal me, or I need your magic--I need your _smile_ ! I need your _laugh_! I need the way you say my name! I need to sit up at night talking to you when we’re supposed to be trancing, I need the way you grin when you’re excited about something, I need that sharp look in your eyes when you get a really good idea. I need your kindness, I need your courage, I just…” 

He takes a deep breath, and every instinct he’s ever had is telling him to crack some joke or soften the moment somehow but he’s looking at Moonshine, at her freckles and the tears in her eyes, at the person who’s changed him more than he ever thought he could be changed, and he doesn’t back off. “I just need you to be _happy_.” 

“Hardwon…” says Moonshine, softly, but Hardwon forges on.

“So if you’ve gotta do this to save the world or whatever, fine. But if you think I’m gonna let you do it by yourself, you’re not as smart as I thought you were. You can be the Queen of Hell, and I’ll just be the...the bodyguard or something, I don’t fucking know--” 

He stops talking as Moonshine puts her hand on his cheek. “Thank you,” she says, her voice thick and tight. The tears are falling down her cheeks, now, and she’s not trying to hide them. 

Behind them, the huge heavy doors are pushed open with a _bang_ that is entirely disproportionate to the small figure that is standing framed in the doorway. “Moonshine!” says Bev, sounding slightly out of breath. 

Moonshine half-stands from the throne, mouth falling open in surprise. Hardwon rises, too, more slowly, as Bev stands in the doorway, and says, in the shakiest voice Hardwon has heard in a long time: “You didn’t even say goodbye.” 

"Oh, Bev," says Moonshine, and then she's stumbling off the dais and half-running toward Bev to pull him into her arms. 

"I knew you'd try to stop me," she's saying as Hardwon walks up behind them. “That’s why I didn’t say goodbye, I knew you wouldn’t understand.” 

“I _don’t_ ,” says Bev, balling up the back of Moonshine’s jumper in his fists. “Everything we did, we did together! Why would you just _leave_?” 

“I didn’t want to drag you down with me!” 

“No dragging about it,” says Hardwon. “We’re just with you.” 

He puts one arm around Moonshine and the other around Bev, and he lets Moonshine tuck her face into his shoulder, even as he has to move his cheek out of the way to keep from getting stabbed by the Hellfire Crown. 

The door bangs open again and another small figure is standing there. “Moonshine!” Balnor yells. “Give me the crown, I’ll wear it!” 

“REER!” comes the loudest voice yet, as PawPaw tears around Balnor’s ankles and sprints right for Moonshine, who gasps and pushes Bev and Hardwon aside to throw open her arms. 

“PawPaw, I’m so sorry, I’m so glad you’re not mad at me,” as she buries her face in his fur. 

“So I’m not taking the crown?” Balnor says out of the corner of his mouth to Hardwon. “Is that not the plan? I’m still a little drunk.” 

“Not the plan,” Hardwon mutters back. 

Moonshine looks up at them. “How are you all _getting_ here? Hell is supposed to be like...closed.” 

“You think a little thing like Hell being closed is gonna stop _me_?” says a new voice, and they all look over to see Jolene the Green stepping around the doors.

“MeeMaw,” says Moonshine with a soft smile, allowing Jolene to pull her into a big hug. 

“I continue to be so, so proud of you, Moonshine,” says Jolene, kissing her daughter’s forehead, right under the edge of the crown. “We’re gonna figure this thing out, okay?” 

“Absolutely we are!” says another voice as Lucanus enters the room. “We’ve already got ideas.” He gestures behind him, where Pendergreens, Alanis, Erdan, Mavrus, and Tonathan Tinkle are all entering together, clearly mid-discussion.

“Look, if we put her in a gem, just for a little while--” Pendergreens is saying, and Alanis is nodding her head in agreement. 

“My new big friend is right, as the people with experience in gems, we really think they could come in handy here.” 

Erdan’s shaking his head. “I think we should try to use the Noa’thul--they’re both hats. There’s something there.” 

“We _need_ the power of the gods--” Tonathan starts, but Mavrus cuts him off. 

“Listen,” he says, and the others all fall silent. But instead of launching into any useful idea, Mavrus just looks over at Moonshine. “Hey Moonshine! Crown looks dope.” 

“Hey...everyone,” Moonshine says slowly, still holding PawPaw, as more and more people continue to funnel into the throne room of Hell. Jaina and Ulfgar both enter arm in arm with Apple, with Erlin and Egwene right behind them, and then Ol’ Cobb and Cooter, all the people who love Moonshine and are loved by her.

People start sitting down in the middle of the throne room--Alanis conjures up a big piece of paper and writes “DESTROY CROWN (WITHOUT MESSING UP THE BALANCE OF EVERYTHING) in the middle, and several wizards, a druid, a sorcerer, a ranger/artificer, and the former ruler of Shadowfell all settle themselves down around it. Martha Toegold pulls a full tray of sticky buns out of seemingly thin air and starts passing them around. Bev and Erlin start working together on some sort of protective spell, Bev using the power of Melora and Erlin the power of the Duskmother to make Hell a little more hospitable. Soon, laughter is ringing out, and Hardwon keeps his eyes on Moonshine as her expression goes from stunned confusion to misty-eyed affection.

He steps up right next to her. “You see?” he says quietly. “We’re not gonna let you do this alone. We love you way too much.” 

“I _could_ banish you all,” Moonshine murmurs. “I _could_ do it alone.” 

“You could,” Hardwon agrees. “Don’t, though. Let us help you. Let us stay. Let _me_ stay."

He lets his fingertips graze the back of her hand, and she slips her hand into his and squeezes. He holds just as tightly, and neither of them let go.

**Author's Note:**

> hard cut to Alanis and Pendergreens leaning against the wall outside the throne room.  
> "soo....you were trapped in a gem."   
> "yup."  
> "cool. cool. me too."   
> "cool." 
> 
> title is from "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes, because of COURSE it is.  
> drinkingdeadpeopletea.tumblr.com <3


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